Simply Unstoppable

[Greatguy87]

Kathy was a force of nature. At 5'8 and 190lbs, she commanded attention. Her 44G cups were the envy of every woman around her. The muscle that stretched out across her body made men either go crazy for her or go out of their way to avoid her. 16" bi's and tri's meant killer arms, while 25" legs ment she could kick like a mule. A washboard body consisting of shredded abs, torso and pecs to hold up her massive boobs completed the look on the dark skin beauty. Her weight room numbers were impressive with her maxing out at 300lbs for most excercises.

What made her so deadly though was her speed, quickness and agility. She could run at 4.5 seconds for the 40yd dash, change direction on a dime and break the women's obstacle course records by such a margin that they tied with mid tier men. Being a level 1 black belt in akido, Krav ma, Kung Fu and ju jitsu heightened her senses to a higher than normal level and prepared her for most threats. The chocolate fem fatale was truly in a class above all and she took every opportunity to show it. From lifting with a crowd around her to sparring with all of her instructors in front of everyone, she proved that she could be simply unstoppable. However, one man didn't think so.

"She's a joke. Those aren't masters in any sense of the word. I can break them and her." Shaking his head as he muttered this under his breath, Derrick was your typical cocky musclehead. "All ya need in this life is muscle. If brains were worth anything, they'd make statues to em.", the 6'2, 225lb behemoth boldly proclaimed. He said this after seeing Kathy workout as he entered the gym and started his lifting routine. The words didn't fall on deaf ears and quickly spread around the gym.

"Hey Derrick! Since you like to talk shit, come take this ass whopping like a man!', Kathy bellowed. "I won't hurt you too bad if you say sorry. Haha.", the powerful 23 year old quipped for all to hear. As soon as he saw her, the towering rock wall of muscle laughed a semi-confident laugh. "If you really wanna do this, we can. Don't cry to the cops afterwards tits." That remark made her rage even more.

After both fighters entered the ring, the fight started. Derrick tried to over power the black female powerhouse, but her quickness surprised him. "Can't hit what you can't catch asshole.", she remarked. The more the fight dragged on, the worse it got. His one punch was countered with 5 of hers. A kick was met with the same: pinpoint and varied strikes to vulnerable areas. The advantage of size and bulk became nothing but a big target. From leg sweeps and nerve strikes to suplexes and submissions, Kathy used her whole arsenal to break him down. After 15 mins., he begged her to stop.

"Please! Stop! I'm hurt!", he begged. His opponent softly giggled as she peppered his body and head with punches and kicks. "Pull your pants down and bend over. Now!", she roared. He quickly dropped his pants and she simply held him in place over the ropes and wailed on his ass.

[Greatguy87]

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[Greatguy87]

Any thoughts?

[MrCrowley]

Tbh, im not a fan of it. The problem is in the structure, many make the mistake (IMO) of having tedious introductions that are skipped by many or just go around and around without much exciting; you have the opposite problem.

Too much telling without showing, you start stating Kathy and saying how she is awesome and the best, then you go directly into a confrontation which she wins without effort.

You need to paint a picture of who she is, where everything takes place and have some tension, maybe she is a student of medicine obsessed with the human physique, maybe its a girl that was trained because her father is a failed Mr. Olympia and wanted a boy to make his dream come true but he got a daughter, flirt around with ideas, characters need goals and motivations.

Second, describe. "As Kathy stepped on the scale she trembled in excitement, she didnt use a digital one, she wanted only wanted true weights of steel in her life. 185, the weights went up, not enough; 189, not enough, 190, not enough; 195 the weights settled, with a proud smile. She wondered how much of that was spent on her 44G breasts, they made women feel inferior, almost as much as men did seeing her muscles."

Having an omniscient pov tends to make stories bland in this genre because it makes everything objective and exact; many stories work with it tho. I would try having a secondary character that interacts with the protagonist or why not many characters pov's, havent seen many stories with the muscle girl pov either.

I do not say this things to discourage you, but the opposite, i hope you can iterate on the story to make it shine on its strenghts.  Hope to see more of it.

[Greatguy87]

Trying to get better. Thanks.

[grbaclig]

You have a good vocabulary and you're a capable writer from a technical standpoint.  Using those tools to tell a story takes practice, but you're off to a good start.  MrCrowley gave you the important stuff already, so all I can really add is a four-step practice exercise that I learned from my Creative Writing teacher years ago.  It's not gospel, but I did this exercise many times, and it trained me to think in stories, not just ideas.

First, imagine a short scene from a movie that you know very well. 

Second, Write out a description of that scene, taking no more than 10 minutes.  Start simple at first and don't worry about flowery language or complex sentences.  For example:  "Rocky ran up the stairs of the Philadelphia Museum of Fine Arts.  When he got the top, he raised his hands.  Later Rocky practiced punching on some meat."

Third, take 40 minutes to go back and add more details, including bits of backstory.  But be careful with backstory, because backstory needs to be worked in carefully at the exact right time.  For example:  "Rocky wheezed as he ran up the formidable steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Fine Arts, his body soaking with sweat despite the frigid wind that swirled around him.  His body grew heavier with each step, straining, until finally he reached the summit of the limestone mountain, and his pain was washed away in a wave of relief.  He raised his hands overhead in triumph, but anyone who saw his face would see the smirk of a man with tongue planted firmly in cheek, celebrating the life that flowed in his body more than any athletic feet.  Later, his hands cold and sore from throwing volleys of hooks at frozen beef carcasses, Rocky's celebration seemed a distant memory, and the sour determination on his face was evidence of every break that had passed him by."

Fourth, take 10 minutes to review and polish your work.  Cleaning up punctuation and correcting spelling is busywork, and should be done at the end of your writing so it doesn't disrupt the flow.

[fp909]

agreed.
usually for shorter stuff i write off the cuff. if it is planned to be 5 pages or less i can get to the meat faster.

anything longer and i have to plan it out.

What's the meat? (Girl flexes for guy and he lives out his fantasy)
How do they get there? (girl starts off skinny and builds herself for him over time) (boy takes notice and becomes interested
Where do we start? (girl is interested in nerdy boy who likes superheroines, especially the strong ones).

so now that i've built the story inside out i can worry about things like:
- what does she look like throughout, how is that important to you the reader and to the characters around her?
- what is her personality like and how she interacts with other characters. what is HE like?
- are there an other outside forces influencing her or him in the story?

that's when stories start to get longer and more fleshed out. then adding smaller details like locations and weather, small events that drive the story (wow she accidentally tore the back of her shirt that had become too small!) or interactions with other character. her personal history and what ultimately puts her on the path.

personally, i like to add a lot of exposition. i think we all have a style of writing and character that we prefer when we put pen to paper but i do like to set the scene a little bit because, for me, it's what is going on in my head. it's like reading any book: if a story takes place inside a family home more likely than not you will use whats most familiar to you as a point of reference unless the words specify: size, color, shapes, space, etc. I like to give some details to help you imagine things clearly and build *your* image of the character so you can imagine events happening, same way i might read a star wars book and imagine a starfighter dogfight as its being described to me.

anyway, that's just my two cents!