Chapter 2
It was the second time in my life I needed counselling. It took me longer than I want to admit to actually accept any help this time. Or even admit I had any problems. It really showed me how much he really was supporting me.
At the funeral, one of David's friends told me he'd help push through my husband's life insurance policy. I never even knew he had one, but getting that money for me and Daisy was all I could think of after hearing that. No outside mistress was going to take anything else from us was running through my head. Not this time I thought. The policy was larger than I expected. He developed formulae for toothpaste, why was the policy so high? But that didn't matter, that sum and the money we saved from his mother would be enough for Daisy and me to get by for the rest of our lives. Well as long as we were frugal and invested wisely, that is.
It took some time but I learned to take time for myself, time to find myself. I got back into yoga and started running. I started to learn about investing and economics. I couldn't let our nest egg collapse on us now.
It was more than 4 years since David passed away. Our lives were stable. Daisy was going to graduate into a new school this year. I'd recovered my fit figure, looking and feeling better than I did a decade ago. I'd pushed on ahead with my life. I only thought about the positive memories with David now. I wanted Daisy to love her father. Respect him. So I never brought up the things that happened between us before he died. Heck, I was barely thinking about them at the time.
Until I got a message from an old friend of David.
[Recorded Message]
Hi, uhm. I'm not sure if you'll remember me. My name's James. James Stewart. I'm an old friend of David's. I'm uh, really sorry. I missed his funeral. I, never gave my condolences.
[audible deep breathe]
I'm so sorry for your loss. David was a great guy. He was like a brother to me. I couldn't make it be.... No. I don't want to make excuses. I was away, but I should have reached out sooner. And not like this.
I know it's been a few years since David's passing, but I have to ask, if you still have any of his things.
You see, well. I'm not sure what David told you, but. Well there was a group of us. Including David and myself. We were working on a project.......... and well, we couldn't finish it without him.
So, I'm kind of hoping you had some notes of his, still left behind or maybe he left something in his journals? You know, if you still have them.
Anyway. Sorry for asking this from you, especially how out of the blue this is. I'm really, really sorry, but even if you don't have any or can't find anything, just letting me know would be a huge help.
I'm sorry.
[Beeeep]
I never knew he kept a journal. Even more of his life that I didn't know. Married more than 10 years and yet he hid so much from me. I do understand why now but then, it just added to the heartbreak.
After getting over the shock and collecting my thoughts, I decided to call James back before searching through my husband's things. I wanted to confirm some things. I didn't want to go out of my way to find my worst fears being true. How can I look at Daisy, knowing for certain, the worst parts of her father, and then lying to her about him. I didn't think I could do that. Still don't, if that was my reality. I'm so thankful that wasn't the case.
I took a few days to collect my thoughts before calling him back. I recorded my first call to James. A small part of me was worried that he might be a scam artist. James never did make it to our wedding or David's funeral and David didn't talk about him much. I needed to be careful.
[Recorded conversation]
Hello?
Hi, James? This is Cassandra, David's......... wife.
Oh, Cassi! Hi. Thanks for getting back to me.
Hmph, you really think you can just use a nickname for me?
Hehe. Sorry. David never used your full name. It was always his beautiful Case, or Cassi for everyone else.
I didn't call to catch up. Jeez, I don't even know you. David barely talked about you.
Yeah. I can see that. But he never stopped talking about you. He wouldn't stop complaining in the last few months about how late he was getting home. How much he wanted to be with his girls.
So. That's why he was coming home so late? He did say he was “working”.
Yeah. David was a genius. And a real hard worker. Except when came to you and Daisy. He'd throw it all away just for a few more minutes with......
I have to ask. Did.......... Did David ever.......... Cheat on me.
Huh? Okay. Now I can't say with ,100% percent certainty, that he didn't. Why would you think that anyway? I can't even imagine him ever cheating on you. Hell, when would he have had the time. He spent so much time on our project, working and with you girls. And all he ever wanted was to be with his girls.
Why?
What?
Why did he lie to me? About some, stupid project with his friends?
[long silence]
Because he he was embarrassed.
Huh?
What we were working on. It's not something people feel that comfortable talking about sometimes.
He was going to tell me. He said, before he left that morning. That he'd tell me everything. He was so nervous. Terrified, I think.
[long silence]
Yeah, that sounds about right. I'm not surprised. I'm sorry, for your loss.
Thank you.
I'm sorry but I have to ask. Do you, still have any of David's things?
I've still got everything. I just packed it all away. And I still haven't opened any of it up again, before you ask. I needed to be sure that you were genuine. And, that David was genuine.
I see. Well, only if you're up for it. Could you look for any of his research? Or if you'd like, I could do it for you.
No offence, I don't trust you. Yet. I'll look through his things. Then we'll see. Is there anything I should specifically look for?
Look for Hishugs. Sorry, HSHGS. That was our personal nickname for it, or just 'the project'. I don't think he'd call it anything else.
Okay.
While searching for this.................. You may find out things about David. I just ask, that you don't change how you feel about him if you do.
I'll call you again after I look through his things. Maybe.
There's no rush for this. Just, look whenever you feel ready.
Thanks.
[end of recording]
I later found out James was my husband's original best man. They met at university and were best friends until he died. James later told me abut his shitty job that forced him to work during our wedding and even over David's funeral.
I started to unpack my husbands things shortly after the end of the call. It took me some time but I did find a bunch of journals. One of which, wasn't full. And the last entry, was 2 days before he died.