My Tax Audit
Oh shit my impending audit today is making me nervous..David my accountant asurres me nothing will be found..At 52 years old I have amassed a certain amount of wealth..Some of it is invested in real estate and stocks..The business I sold making computer chips made millions..Janey my third wife just divorced me..That shit doesn’t help my cause..All that fucking expensive plastic surgery..Botox and giant expanding breast implants cost a small fortune..Before she left me for that male model she even had ass implants put in..What a fucking slut!..My desk is full of copies of tax returns..All seven years worth..The auditor should be here an a hour..Can’t wait until this fucking day is over..Only 0.6% of Americans get audited..What the fuck!..Bad fucking luck?..Maybe I should have paid more attention..Time for another cup of coffee..
“Bam..Bam”...Jesus why don’t people use the doorbell?...When I open the door I’m not prepared for what I see..A very large woman in a grey suit with black hair tied into a bun...About six feet tall in heels..Three inches taller than me..”Hello John Mueller?”..”Yes that’s me”..”Raquel Finch from the IRS..Are we ready for the audit?”...”Uh..Umm..Yeah..Sure..Come on in”..What kind of beast is she?..That baritone voice is downright scary..Her credentials are hanging from her her bull thick neck..”Please sit down”...”Very impressive mansion you have here Mr Mueller”..”Well thank you”..”Before we start do you have any recording devices running right now?”..”Well my phone is off but I do have a security system that records everything”...”According to Irs regulation Rm-456 it’s against the law to record any audit by an IRS agent”..”Oh I did not know that..I will disable it”..This beast follows me over to my central home system mounted on the living room wall..”Okay it’s off”...”Good shall we get down to business then”...Her blouse is about to burst apart with muscle..”Can I ask you a question Ms Finch?”..”Sure what do want to know?”..”You must be a bodybuilder right?”...”Very observant Mr Mueller..I started training ten years ago to take the stress off this job..No I don’t compete..I’m way too big for that”..”Oh I see..Well I think you look fantastic!”..”Why thank you Mr Mueller..Most people are not that complementary”..”You can all me John”...”Okay now..I have been analyzing your case for some time now..There many irregularities in you past five years of filing..I put together a formula so you can pay the IRS back in several payments”. She has a big fat smile on her face like she enjoys this shit..I look at her and she has to be my age or a little older..What a freak!..I’m oddly fascinated though..
“Look this is impossible!..Those payments would wipe me out financially!..How do I even know this is legit?”...”Look at my badge John!..You want to call my supervisor?”..”Uh..sure”..”Here’s the number”..Dialing the number my hands are shaking..”Yes is this Mr Garrison?”..”Yes it is”..”Your agent is here to audit me..John Mueller..How can I owe this much money?”..”Well Raquel is one of our finest agents..I can assure you she does her homework”..”Uh..Okay..I”..”You can make this in several payments Mr Mueller”..”I understand that..Thank you..Bye”..I’m furious at my accountant!..Fucking going to sue that SOB!..”I understand what a shock this must be John”..”What am I going to do?”..”I have a solution John..You see this is my last day on the job..All these years and I watched millionaires pay little or no taxes”..”So what?”..”We can make this all go away with one swipe of the pen”..”Really?”..”You see it’s Eddie Garrisons last day working for the IRS too..All I have to do is tell him I made a mistake and he will sign off on it”..”What do you want in return?”..”Money and your undivided attention”..”How much?”..”Oh just a couple of million to further my bodybuilding career..I’m going to build my own gym with your cash”..”What if I say Fuck you!”.Why did I say that?..This bitch could beat the fuck out of me!..”Oh we can arrange that..I’m single..How about you?”..”Oh..Shit!..Yes I’m single..That bitch ex wife Tiffany took half of my money”..”Oh so sorry..What did she look like?”..”Well look at my phone”...”Holy crap!..A surgical nightmare!”..”Tell me about it!”..”I have no idea why a woman would do that to herself..As you can see I prefer muscle!”..”Yes I can”..”Look John..Take some time to think about this..No lawyers involved in this or the deal is off”..”I understand”..”Good.. Meet me at Dillinger’s bar and grill at 4 pm..It’s just off the 405 on El Segundo Blvd..You know you really are kind of cute John”..”Will you show me your biceps?”..”Of course I will sweetheart!”..”Okay I will see you there”..”Cheer up guy!..It’s all going to work out for the both of us..Bye..Bye”..”As she walks out the door my mind is boggled by all that muscle in a suit..Damn..She must take a lot of steroids..I have seen a couple of female bodybuilders in the gym over the years but they were so much smaller..Why did I ask to see her biceps?..I must be going crazy..
It’s 3 pm so I ordered my limo service to take me to the bar..I better talk to my lawyer..”Hey Murray”...”Hello John..How did the audit go?”..”Yeah..It’s all good..Do me a favor Murray..Fire my accountant”...”You want to get rid of David Dershowitz?”...”Yes I do..Please tell him I’m not happy”..”Okay John I will do that..How are you holding up?..Any new ladies in your life?”..”Uh..Maybe I don’t know right now..You will be the first know”..”Okay man..Take care”..I decided to take an expensive bottle of rose out of the wine cooler..Once I pull the cork, I don’t even bother to take a glass out of the cabinet..Just chugged it just like a wino would..”Shit!..What a fucking bad day”..I hope this giant steroid broad holds up her part of this so called deal..She could fuck me blind and what would I do about it?...That includes sexually..Damn dude!..Why are you even thinking like that?..Rich people hate losing all their money..That includes me!..By the time I finished the whole bottle it was time to go..A little buzzed I stumble out to the limo..”Sir make yourself comfortable”...”Okay let’s go”..’Yes sir!..I know exactly where this bar is”..I shut my eyes for a few minutes and tell myself it’s all going to work out..
“Sir?..Sir?..We have arrived”..”Oh..Yes..Thanks James”..When I enter the bar I could see Raquel sitting way far in the back..She’s talking to the waitress I think..When I get back there..Holy fuck!..Raquel is wearing a mens flannel shirt with the sleeves cut off..Fuck!..those arms!..Her thick tree trunk sized quads are busting out of Khaki tan shorts..”Well hi there John!..Cindy get my man a drink”..”Uh..Yeah a Stella will work”..”So John what do you think?”..”Yeah..Uh..I think we have a deal”..”Wise choice my fine friend..Let me send a quick text to Eddie”...Two huge veins cross her massive arms..I’m actually sexually attracted to her..Maybe I had to much wine or she brought out some deep seeded
